I feel like I have been this back and forth wishy washy emotional mess lately. I can turn into a bitch on a dime. I get these feelings that I really have very little reason to have. I get enraged over the simplest things. The thing that has really hit me lately is when I feel, for any reason what so ever, that my actions, that all this hard work, that literally beating myself into the ground, is being over looked. I do not expect to have people treating me like a goddess by any means, but I actually do believe that i deserve some respect. I mean, what have i done to lose peoples respect? I am burned out, I am tired, and I really really need a break that will not come anytime soon.
It is like the harder I try, and the more I push and push to make life better, the more invisible I become.. And then, the guilt.. I feel guilty for even feeling this way at all. So many people have really shitty lives, have really shitty things happen to them, and here I am bitching cause I feel like I don't exist. I think the core of being a human is having connections with those around us. College and working crazy hours has severed almost every connection in my life. Honestly, I do not have any idea how to deal with it.
Maybe I shouldn't worry if I exist to people. Maybe I should just keep floating along in the background. Guess i don't have much choice.
This blog was primarily brought on by a conversation I had this evening with a "friend". ANYTHING I happened to bring up was swept aside as unimportant because everything going on in the other person's life are the only things anyone should be worried about.
Well ya know what. I have a genuine concern over putting my daughter in daycare. I feel like paying a stranger for taking care of her eats at all the wrong nerves for me, and i am feeling terribly guilty about it. I DO NOT want to do this, but am pushed into a corner and I have to. These are my feelings on it, and yes, they do actually matter.
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