A blog for Kristina

I just wanted to put something out there after talking to a friend of mine. We were talking about how we both weighed more now then we did at nine months pregnant. I just wanted to show you something. I think it is important to know that you are not alone. As a matter of fact, thinking about it now, I actually weigh about 25-30 pounds MORE then I did the day before I had my third child. This picture was actually taken the day before I went in to have my daughter. And I don't look in the slightest way, fat. My arms are thin, even my face bent down at a weird angle looks thin. I don't have huge back and side fat flaps. My neck does not have its own personal fat roll.

It is kind of sad that one of my goals is to be my 9 month pregnancy weight. But it is also a motivation. I am glad that I found this picture. I am glad that I can share this story.

IPod touch and the Lose it App

Well, what a great day!

I got my ipod touch and let me just say I LOVE IT! So many useful things to do with such a nifty little device! Can't wait to really get to playing with it. I can even upload youtube videos! It will make life super easy LOL

I put the lose it app on it and calculated my weight and all that fun stuff. looks like i need to stick to around 1600 calories a day or so. I have done 500 before on the hcg diet, so i do believe i can handle tripling that LOL.

It is 5 am in the morning, i sleep during the day because i do night shift work, so in about 7 hours i will be going to bed and my new day will begin around 8pm later today lol. when I wake up, It will be a brand new day, with new things to start. I am tired of putting it off. I have all night with no interuptions to do exercise and count calories. I have no more excuses. Actually looking forward to getting started :)

Internal Changes

Well Christmas was a blast. I enjoyed it to the fullest. Of course the embarrassement of being the only fat kid in the family came out by me telling a lot of fat jokes targeted at myself. I figure, it is better to just say what everyone is thinking and get on with it. The only problem with my theory is, is that what everyone was thinking?

I have grown to define myself by my fat. By my body shape, structure, and size. Internally I feel as though when people look at me, I am first of all a fat girl, after that, who knows. I may be funny, interesting, witty, sarcastic, or weird, but all this is covered up by this extra person I carry around my hips, belly and thighs. I think it is time for a change.

Weight loss will not happen if I continue to walk about thinking of myself first and foremost as the fat chick. I do believe that this mindset is the hardest thing to change. Even more so then my appearance. I have lost weight before, I have looked pretty good in the past, but in the past, I thought of myself as an attractive girl who may need to lose a few pounds, but in the end, i could take it or leave it. Now, it is something different.

A lot of things will change this year. There is no option in my heart or my mind for things to continue this way. Being fat is not something that should ever define who we are. First thing I need to do is learn to leave the fat jokes behind. From this day forward, I will be the attractive, witty, intelligent girl that I want people to see.

The End of December.

This year has been an awesome year. So many achievements. So many ups with so few downs. How many people actually get to say that?

I graduated from nursing school, my children are happy and healthy, I got married to a man who could not possibly be better for me and my family. I have a job (and so many people do not these days) and I continue my education by my own choice and with the support of my family, even though I don't really have to because I now have enough education to have a job for the rest of my life.

Yet, there is this little creature, this little monster stuck in my head that will not let me rest. This little monster feeds feelings of shame and embarrassment to an almost unbearable extent.

This monster isn't the bad guy in movies, the creature in the closet or under the bed, this monster is myself. It is the little piece of me that will continue to sabotage my best efforts at achieving a healthy mind set about food, about movement and exercising. I have not yet figured out the way to approach this creature, how to teach it a lesson, to make it run away screaming. Hell, I can't even find the damn thing. I keep searching for the causative factor that allows it to survive and thrive the way it has for years.

I keep wanting to be better, to achieve, to win, to prove myself and others wrong about first impressions. I am competitive in nature. But I become competitive about intellectual pursuits. How do I turn this drive into something more physical? How do I learn to compete against myself in a way that will benefit my body, my health, and my overall well being?

I haven't figured it out, but I will. That is what this year is about. To find the demon, the monster, and to teach it that I am the boss.

So I leave this blog post with a poem from William Ernest Henley. If you have seen the movie Invictus then it will be familiar to you.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.