So lonely

This is one of those moments that take me back to a few years ago. Don't need to get into details, lets just say that a few years ago, for me, was NOT a good place to be. It was very dark, and I can feel it coming back.

I would love to be able to just break down and cry, but I can't. I haven't been able to. I have all these pent up emotions that I have been trying to get rid of. Trying to write on here, trying to reach out to a couple of people to try to get some help, but the door keeps getting shut in my face.

You know how on tv how they give teens the message that if something it troubling them they can find someone to talk to, someone to help with their problems. Well we have to honestly look at that and ask the question, "Can they?" Going through what I am going through, I can't answer that.

I don't know how to keep doing what I am doing. I don't know how to handle the next couple of months. The only thing I know, is if I don't make it, my family and I lose everything. I don't have to worry about just me, I have 3 people looking to me for their safety, to put food in their stomachs, to keep a roof on their heads. This life isn't mine anymore. It is theirs. If it were just me I could handle this, but they mean so much more then I ever have or ever will. They are the reason I fight, but I just don't have much left in me anymore.

I need some help, I really could use a friend.

Hmmm 5:43 in the morning, lets talk

I feel the need to talk to someone. I need a chat buddy or something. Not many people to talk to at this time of the morning. Ya know what, I really don't have anything to talk about either.

I am married to an awesome man, but I spend most of my time alone. Sometimes, I just wanna shoot the shit with people.

Anyway, the weightloss has come to a complete and utter stop. No movement. I need to switch things up and see if I can get it moving again. I am kind of in this strange place with my weight. I have a family reunion to attend at the end of this month. Just a little over 20 days away. This has been the date in my mind since feb when i started this weight loss thing again. I desperately wanted to be in the 220's. I don't think it will happen, but if I can get the scale moving again it might be close. After memorial day, I have no goals in mind. Nothing set in stone. Just lose weight gradually, comfortably and eventually get to goal. I want to become increasingly more active. At this point I think I want to lose weight for that one point in and of itself. I WANT to be able to get on my treadmill and jog an entire mile. However, before memorial day I am on a full bore attack on this massive ass of mine and I will do what it takes to make it smaller in the fastest way possible.

This is a different place then I have been in in the past. all it was before was GET TO GOAL GET TO GOAL GET TO GOAL.. Now it is, ok, I have this one important deadline to meet, then, I will do what it takes for the rest of my life to get to a healthy weight, to stay at a healthy weight, and to not be miserable in the process... I just want May 30th to get here and get over with so I am not so focused on the damn calender and the scale. Did any of this make any sense? I have a point I am trying to make and failing horribly in making it.

I have the strangest headache right now. It feels like there is something the size of a marble directly behind the bone above my left eye and it feels like it is trying to break out from the inside.. feels like lots of pressure and pain. sinuses I am sure, but uncomfortable nonetheless.

I don't know if it is the same for everyone, but right below this box I have to type in has a little box under it that says, "Labels for this post e.g. scooters, vacation, fall".. what a strange random list of examples they gave. I like it. Reminds me of me.

My ass hurts from sitting on this couch.

This really has to be the most uncomfortable couch ever. This has nothing to do with anything.

I feel like I have been this back and forth wishy washy emotional mess lately. I can turn into a bitch on a dime. I get these feelings that I really have very little reason to have. I get enraged over the simplest things. The thing that has really hit me lately is when I feel, for any reason what so ever, that my actions, that all this hard work, that literally beating myself into the ground, is being over looked. I do not expect to have people treating me like a goddess by any means, but I actually do believe that i deserve some respect. I mean, what have i done to lose peoples respect? I am burned out, I am tired, and I really really need a break that will not come anytime soon.

It is like the harder I try, and the more I push and push to make life better, the more invisible I become.. And then, the guilt.. I feel guilty for even feeling this way at all. So many people have really shitty lives, have really shitty things happen to them, and here I am bitching cause I feel like I don't exist. I think the core of being a human is having connections with those around us. College and working crazy hours has severed almost every connection in my life. Honestly, I do not have any idea how to deal with it.

Maybe I shouldn't worry if I exist to people. Maybe I should just keep floating along in the background. Guess i don't have much choice.

This blog was primarily brought on by a conversation I had this evening with a "friend". ANYTHING I happened to bring up was swept aside as unimportant because everything going on in the other person's life are the only things anyone should be worried about.

Well ya know what. I have a genuine concern over putting my daughter in daycare. I feel like paying a stranger for taking care of her eats at all the wrong nerves for me, and i am feeling terribly guilty about it. I DO NOT want to do this, but am pushed into a corner and I have to. These are my feelings on it, and yes, they do actually matter.

Tired of trying.

This post has little to do with weight loss. Weight loss is going fine. Down 30 pounds. But who fucking cares at this point. Who has noticed? 1 or 2 people. And they said, "I can see it in your face." um yeah. cause my head weighed 40 fucking pounds

No, this blog is because I have had this ever increasing feeling in my gut like I may just have to lose it on some people. It feels like I don't fucking exist. I remember a time in my life where I actually had some friends. Now, no one. Fucking not one. I have people who "say" they are my friends. Do i get texts, phone calls, or anything?? nope. I try contacting people... and usually what I get is nothing, or if I do get any response it is something along the lines of "i will have to respond to you later". uh thanks.

I work 54 hours a week. I go to school. I raise children. I treat my husband like gold. I really truly honestly give a shit about a people, yet for some reason i get pushed aside so fast. I am tired of existing with nothing outside of the walls of my home. Id like a social life. Apparently, that is too much to ask.

No one reads this blog, such is everything that happens in my life right now. I feel like having a complete meltdown, like i have to get this out. so i put it in a place that is never looked at..

smart one dawn.