A blog for Kristina

I just wanted to put something out there after talking to a friend of mine. We were talking about how we both weighed more now then we did at nine months pregnant. I just wanted to show you something. I think it is important to know that you are not alone. As a matter of fact, thinking about it now, I actually weigh about 25-30 pounds MORE then I did the day before I had my third child. This picture was actually taken the day before I went in to have my daughter. And I don't look in the slightest way, fat. My arms are thin, even my face bent down at a weird angle looks thin. I don't have huge back and side fat flaps. My neck does not have its own personal fat roll.

It is kind of sad that one of my goals is to be my 9 month pregnancy weight. But it is also a motivation. I am glad that I found this picture. I am glad that I can share this story.

IPod touch and the Lose it App

Well, what a great day!

I got my ipod touch and let me just say I LOVE IT! So many useful things to do with such a nifty little device! Can't wait to really get to playing with it. I can even upload youtube videos! It will make life super easy LOL

I put the lose it app on it and calculated my weight and all that fun stuff. looks like i need to stick to around 1600 calories a day or so. I have done 500 before on the hcg diet, so i do believe i can handle tripling that LOL.

It is 5 am in the morning, i sleep during the day because i do night shift work, so in about 7 hours i will be going to bed and my new day will begin around 8pm later today lol. when I wake up, It will be a brand new day, with new things to start. I am tired of putting it off. I have all night with no interuptions to do exercise and count calories. I have no more excuses. Actually looking forward to getting started :)

Internal Changes

Well Christmas was a blast. I enjoyed it to the fullest. Of course the embarrassement of being the only fat kid in the family came out by me telling a lot of fat jokes targeted at myself. I figure, it is better to just say what everyone is thinking and get on with it. The only problem with my theory is, is that what everyone was thinking?

I have grown to define myself by my fat. By my body shape, structure, and size. Internally I feel as though when people look at me, I am first of all a fat girl, after that, who knows. I may be funny, interesting, witty, sarcastic, or weird, but all this is covered up by this extra person I carry around my hips, belly and thighs. I think it is time for a change.

Weight loss will not happen if I continue to walk about thinking of myself first and foremost as the fat chick. I do believe that this mindset is the hardest thing to change. Even more so then my appearance. I have lost weight before, I have looked pretty good in the past, but in the past, I thought of myself as an attractive girl who may need to lose a few pounds, but in the end, i could take it or leave it. Now, it is something different.

A lot of things will change this year. There is no option in my heart or my mind for things to continue this way. Being fat is not something that should ever define who we are. First thing I need to do is learn to leave the fat jokes behind. From this day forward, I will be the attractive, witty, intelligent girl that I want people to see.

The End of December.

This year has been an awesome year. So many achievements. So many ups with so few downs. How many people actually get to say that?

I graduated from nursing school, my children are happy and healthy, I got married to a man who could not possibly be better for me and my family. I have a job (and so many people do not these days) and I continue my education by my own choice and with the support of my family, even though I don't really have to because I now have enough education to have a job for the rest of my life.

Yet, there is this little creature, this little monster stuck in my head that will not let me rest. This little monster feeds feelings of shame and embarrassment to an almost unbearable extent.

This monster isn't the bad guy in movies, the creature in the closet or under the bed, this monster is myself. It is the little piece of me that will continue to sabotage my best efforts at achieving a healthy mind set about food, about movement and exercising. I have not yet figured out the way to approach this creature, how to teach it a lesson, to make it run away screaming. Hell, I can't even find the damn thing. I keep searching for the causative factor that allows it to survive and thrive the way it has for years.

I keep wanting to be better, to achieve, to win, to prove myself and others wrong about first impressions. I am competitive in nature. But I become competitive about intellectual pursuits. How do I turn this drive into something more physical? How do I learn to compete against myself in a way that will benefit my body, my health, and my overall well being?

I haven't figured it out, but I will. That is what this year is about. To find the demon, the monster, and to teach it that I am the boss.

So I leave this blog post with a poem from William Ernest Henley. If you have seen the movie Invictus then it will be familiar to you.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Week 1 Weigh In

I was down 4.4 pounds this week. Almost hit the 5 pound mark. I have a major goal this week and that is to get a full 64 oz of water every single day. I know that I am supposed to drink about 130 oz a day but honestly, water is not my thing LOL. My friend Shannon said she has been able to get more water in by putting lime juice in hers. So, I went out and bought limes and lemons and it has been much more tolerable. I have already had 16 oz today and it didn't gross me out to drink it that way. I generally just drink tea or green tea all the time.

I had weighed on friday i think, and was at the same weight loss on friday as I was today. This bummed me out today when I saw the scale and hadn't lost anymore. It scared me as well. I wondered if over the last 3 days maybe I had done something wrong that I wasnt aware of. So, I figured, in order to keep the loss going I had better up my water intake.

Anyway, I will probably blog again later, but I need to get up and get moving around. Having a very hard time waking up this morning.

Almost the end of week 1.

So far so good on week one. Two more days left till weigh in. I have done amazing well thus far in sticking to my plan and being very careful about what I eat. There have been a few challenges, and the hardest one will be tonight.

I promised the family that I would make lasagna for dinner. This is one of my favorite foods. And my cravings for some things have been tough. The kids have eaten things like fries, pizza and ramen this week. There were so many times when I thought just one bite wouldn't hurt anything, but truth be told, if I get even one taste, my day is gone. So I have made sure to keep those things completely away from me. When the urge strikes I check out my YouTube friends for inspiration.

I have never made it an entire week without cheating even one time. I am so happy with myself for this accomplishment!! It is also "that time of the month" so my hormones and cravings are out of control. But I have pushed through this pretty well considering.

Ive been staying up way too late at night, and am feeling rather sluggish today, which in time past, i would try to up the energy with sugary, creamy coffee goodness and Pepsi, along with stuffing my face all day..

I have found myself in the kitchen more today then all week, constantly looking for a quick snack for that emotional pick me up. But I REFUSE to screw up my hard work and amazing efforts of this week.

I hope that it quits raining so I can go on my walk at five, when my fiance gets up. He works third shift so the kids and I have to keep it quiet, and with all of us in the house all day long, we are about to all go stir crazy. The baby wouldn't take a nap so I figure the screaming fits will start soon.

Overall I can not complain about my week or my day, just finding it harder to be good today then it has been.

Well, before the kids destroy something, I will take myself away from the computer.

My Introduction to the Blogging community

I have recently become very interested in connecting with people across the internet just to chit chat over anything. I have a dual personality these days, very shy and researved in person, but ready to socialize with anyone from my home over the computer, phone, or whatever.

I have watched things on the news about how some children and teens are becoming socially inadequate due to texting and internet related forms of communication. Well news broadcasters, its not just the young generation anymore LOL.

I am here not only to randomly write about the goings on in my life, but I have a couple of specific goals I am hoping to accomplish. First of all, if anyone has an interest in bold, colorful makeup looks that can be done without the use of high priced cosmetics, then I am the lady for you! I have just started a YouTube channel called ILikeCheap. and, i do, i really do, like cheap. CHEAP IS GOOD!

I am also on a quest to find the body that is several inches below the one i have now.. I am terribly overweight, and not only is it effecting my physical health, but also my mental and emotional health. I think this may be one of the reasons I have become a recluse, only really talking to the people I cannot see.

I am going to be posting this process or "journey" if you will on youtube, and I am hoping to get followers. The more people that are watching, the more motivation will build up for me to keep up the good work.

well, i need to check the color of my hair, since it is covered in bleach LOL