So lonely

This is one of those moments that take me back to a few years ago. Don't need to get into details, lets just say that a few years ago, for me, was NOT a good place to be. It was very dark, and I can feel it coming back.

I would love to be able to just break down and cry, but I can't. I haven't been able to. I have all these pent up emotions that I have been trying to get rid of. Trying to write on here, trying to reach out to a couple of people to try to get some help, but the door keeps getting shut in my face.

You know how on tv how they give teens the message that if something it troubling them they can find someone to talk to, someone to help with their problems. Well we have to honestly look at that and ask the question, "Can they?" Going through what I am going through, I can't answer that.

I don't know how to keep doing what I am doing. I don't know how to handle the next couple of months. The only thing I know, is if I don't make it, my family and I lose everything. I don't have to worry about just me, I have 3 people looking to me for their safety, to put food in their stomachs, to keep a roof on their heads. This life isn't mine anymore. It is theirs. If it were just me I could handle this, but they mean so much more then I ever have or ever will. They are the reason I fight, but I just don't have much left in me anymore.

I need some help, I really could use a friend.

Hmmm 5:43 in the morning, lets talk

I feel the need to talk to someone. I need a chat buddy or something. Not many people to talk to at this time of the morning. Ya know what, I really don't have anything to talk about either.

I am married to an awesome man, but I spend most of my time alone. Sometimes, I just wanna shoot the shit with people.

Anyway, the weightloss has come to a complete and utter stop. No movement. I need to switch things up and see if I can get it moving again. I am kind of in this strange place with my weight. I have a family reunion to attend at the end of this month. Just a little over 20 days away. This has been the date in my mind since feb when i started this weight loss thing again. I desperately wanted to be in the 220's. I don't think it will happen, but if I can get the scale moving again it might be close. After memorial day, I have no goals in mind. Nothing set in stone. Just lose weight gradually, comfortably and eventually get to goal. I want to become increasingly more active. At this point I think I want to lose weight for that one point in and of itself. I WANT to be able to get on my treadmill and jog an entire mile. However, before memorial day I am on a full bore attack on this massive ass of mine and I will do what it takes to make it smaller in the fastest way possible.

This is a different place then I have been in in the past. all it was before was GET TO GOAL GET TO GOAL GET TO GOAL.. Now it is, ok, I have this one important deadline to meet, then, I will do what it takes for the rest of my life to get to a healthy weight, to stay at a healthy weight, and to not be miserable in the process... I just want May 30th to get here and get over with so I am not so focused on the damn calender and the scale. Did any of this make any sense? I have a point I am trying to make and failing horribly in making it.

I have the strangest headache right now. It feels like there is something the size of a marble directly behind the bone above my left eye and it feels like it is trying to break out from the inside.. feels like lots of pressure and pain. sinuses I am sure, but uncomfortable nonetheless.

I don't know if it is the same for everyone, but right below this box I have to type in has a little box under it that says, "Labels for this post e.g. scooters, vacation, fall".. what a strange random list of examples they gave. I like it. Reminds me of me.

My ass hurts from sitting on this couch.

This really has to be the most uncomfortable couch ever. This has nothing to do with anything.

I feel like I have been this back and forth wishy washy emotional mess lately. I can turn into a bitch on a dime. I get these feelings that I really have very little reason to have. I get enraged over the simplest things. The thing that has really hit me lately is when I feel, for any reason what so ever, that my actions, that all this hard work, that literally beating myself into the ground, is being over looked. I do not expect to have people treating me like a goddess by any means, but I actually do believe that i deserve some respect. I mean, what have i done to lose peoples respect? I am burned out, I am tired, and I really really need a break that will not come anytime soon.

It is like the harder I try, and the more I push and push to make life better, the more invisible I become.. And then, the guilt.. I feel guilty for even feeling this way at all. So many people have really shitty lives, have really shitty things happen to them, and here I am bitching cause I feel like I don't exist. I think the core of being a human is having connections with those around us. College and working crazy hours has severed almost every connection in my life. Honestly, I do not have any idea how to deal with it.

Maybe I shouldn't worry if I exist to people. Maybe I should just keep floating along in the background. Guess i don't have much choice.

This blog was primarily brought on by a conversation I had this evening with a "friend". ANYTHING I happened to bring up was swept aside as unimportant because everything going on in the other person's life are the only things anyone should be worried about.

Well ya know what. I have a genuine concern over putting my daughter in daycare. I feel like paying a stranger for taking care of her eats at all the wrong nerves for me, and i am feeling terribly guilty about it. I DO NOT want to do this, but am pushed into a corner and I have to. These are my feelings on it, and yes, they do actually matter.

Tired of trying.

This post has little to do with weight loss. Weight loss is going fine. Down 30 pounds. But who fucking cares at this point. Who has noticed? 1 or 2 people. And they said, "I can see it in your face." um yeah. cause my head weighed 40 fucking pounds

No, this blog is because I have had this ever increasing feeling in my gut like I may just have to lose it on some people. It feels like I don't fucking exist. I remember a time in my life where I actually had some friends. Now, no one. Fucking not one. I have people who "say" they are my friends. Do i get texts, phone calls, or anything?? nope. I try contacting people... and usually what I get is nothing, or if I do get any response it is something along the lines of "i will have to respond to you later". uh thanks.

I work 54 hours a week. I go to school. I raise children. I treat my husband like gold. I really truly honestly give a shit about a people, yet for some reason i get pushed aside so fast. I am tired of existing with nothing outside of the walls of my home. Id like a social life. Apparently, that is too much to ask.

No one reads this blog, such is everything that happens in my life right now. I feel like having a complete meltdown, like i have to get this out. so i put it in a place that is never looked at..

smart one dawn.

Depression, but why?

Depression is commonly diagnosed. As a matter of fact, in my life, I have known more people who were clinically diagnosed as depressed then I have people who were not.

I have been laying on the couch this morning, since waking up very early because of my daughters 3:30 am accident and I have this feeling of uselessness.. of worthlessness. Just a few short hours ago, this feeling was not apparent at all. I have had problems with depression since I was a teenager. I had looked back and figured it was because of the influences around me. It was cool to be all doom and gloom in the late 90's. Then, I became a young adult, and depression followed me. I wanted to blame it on the circumstances that surrounded me that were out of my control.

In the last couple of years I have found what is the number one cause for almost all of my depression issues. Lack of sleep. Sometimes due to insomnia, sometimes due to work schedules, sometimes due to having young children who never slept, (and yes, i was blessed with 3 children who never slept. my 3 year old still doesn't sleep through the night) and sometimes due to my own stupidity. I have nothing to be depressed about. Nothing at all, yet this morning, I feel depressed. Not sad, not angry... just low.. very low. Depression can cause insomnia, and in my case it does, so it has always been a viscous cycle. I would start off fine, have a couple of nights where I was too busy to sleep properly, the depression would kick in and then bam! I couldn't sleep, just making things that much worse.

Now my life is in a new, better place. Very little stress, usually only related to financial problems, but who doesn't have that stress these days? I almost don't consider it a source of stress because it has become the norm.

I have NO reason to be depressed. Except for the fact that my schedule is so screwed up that getting good, restful sleep is a rare occurrence. I love my job, and the company I work for, but I am starting to really get (for lack of a better word) pissed about the hours that they want me to work. I have a family, I can't afford to get 18 hours a week, but I don't get more hours then that unless I work different shifts on a weekly basis. I can't sleep at night. I have never really been able to. Is it works fault? of course it isn't. But I was hired on the premise that I would be a night nurse, and it isn't working out that way.

So now, I am sitting here, bitching and moaning in a blog about depression. A couple of good days or nights of sleep and WA-LA! Happy, cheerful, go-lucky Dawn. A couple of nights without it, and this is what you get. I think if we, as human beings, would just put more emphasis on getting good sleep, a lot of the depression diagnoses would go away. But in this world of work work work till you are delirious and go go go to get everything done, sleep is over looked. Until something drastic changes in what is expected of us to make ends meet, to live a good life, most of us will live life feeling miserable because we are not allowed to do what our bodies are designed to do. SLEEP!

Sleep allows us to function at our highest level. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Without it, the way we handle life in general changes drastically for every hour we don't sleep.

Is it important for me to count calories and exercise? YES!! Is it important for me to work and provide for my family? YES!!! Is it important for me to feel good about myself and my accomplishments?? YES!!! Sometimes we forget to ask, in this world where appearance and money are so fucking important, is it important that we sleep? The answer is YES!

Kind of stuck.

I have been trying to use the lose it app and i dont think that it will work because it automatically renews itself at midnight, which screws up my numbers because of my weird schedule. I was really wanting to get this thing going but I can't tell what my numbers are. Like yesterday I was up for 24 hours straight, with no sleep time, so the 8 hours i would sleep I had two meals. It just kept adding up. But then of course it didn't have the meal on there that i had before i went to work.

I truly want to do weight watchers. It seems like something that i would like. I am just waiting on the info that I need to come in the mail and then maybe I can really get started.

I also need to have a talk with my husband, let him know that I am getting back into the swing of losing weight. As much as i love the fact that he takes care of everything and always has something waiting for me to eat when i either get home from work, or wake up after working all night, i just can't walk in to a 2 pound plate of lasagna.

Well I suppose I should get off the computer and get ready for work. I feel exhausted and run down and I have only been up 38 minutes. It is going to be a long day. Just ready to get it over with.

A blog for Kristina

I just wanted to put something out there after talking to a friend of mine. We were talking about how we both weighed more now then we did at nine months pregnant. I just wanted to show you something. I think it is important to know that you are not alone. As a matter of fact, thinking about it now, I actually weigh about 25-30 pounds MORE then I did the day before I had my third child. This picture was actually taken the day before I went in to have my daughter. And I don't look in the slightest way, fat. My arms are thin, even my face bent down at a weird angle looks thin. I don't have huge back and side fat flaps. My neck does not have its own personal fat roll.

It is kind of sad that one of my goals is to be my 9 month pregnancy weight. But it is also a motivation. I am glad that I found this picture. I am glad that I can share this story.

IPod touch and the Lose it App

Well, what a great day!

I got my ipod touch and let me just say I LOVE IT! So many useful things to do with such a nifty little device! Can't wait to really get to playing with it. I can even upload youtube videos! It will make life super easy LOL

I put the lose it app on it and calculated my weight and all that fun stuff. looks like i need to stick to around 1600 calories a day or so. I have done 500 before on the hcg diet, so i do believe i can handle tripling that LOL.

It is 5 am in the morning, i sleep during the day because i do night shift work, so in about 7 hours i will be going to bed and my new day will begin around 8pm later today lol. when I wake up, It will be a brand new day, with new things to start. I am tired of putting it off. I have all night with no interuptions to do exercise and count calories. I have no more excuses. Actually looking forward to getting started :)

Internal Changes

Well Christmas was a blast. I enjoyed it to the fullest. Of course the embarrassement of being the only fat kid in the family came out by me telling a lot of fat jokes targeted at myself. I figure, it is better to just say what everyone is thinking and get on with it. The only problem with my theory is, is that what everyone was thinking?

I have grown to define myself by my fat. By my body shape, structure, and size. Internally I feel as though when people look at me, I am first of all a fat girl, after that, who knows. I may be funny, interesting, witty, sarcastic, or weird, but all this is covered up by this extra person I carry around my hips, belly and thighs. I think it is time for a change.

Weight loss will not happen if I continue to walk about thinking of myself first and foremost as the fat chick. I do believe that this mindset is the hardest thing to change. Even more so then my appearance. I have lost weight before, I have looked pretty good in the past, but in the past, I thought of myself as an attractive girl who may need to lose a few pounds, but in the end, i could take it or leave it. Now, it is something different.

A lot of things will change this year. There is no option in my heart or my mind for things to continue this way. Being fat is not something that should ever define who we are. First thing I need to do is learn to leave the fat jokes behind. From this day forward, I will be the attractive, witty, intelligent girl that I want people to see.

The End of December.

This year has been an awesome year. So many achievements. So many ups with so few downs. How many people actually get to say that?

I graduated from nursing school, my children are happy and healthy, I got married to a man who could not possibly be better for me and my family. I have a job (and so many people do not these days) and I continue my education by my own choice and with the support of my family, even though I don't really have to because I now have enough education to have a job for the rest of my life.

Yet, there is this little creature, this little monster stuck in my head that will not let me rest. This little monster feeds feelings of shame and embarrassment to an almost unbearable extent.

This monster isn't the bad guy in movies, the creature in the closet or under the bed, this monster is myself. It is the little piece of me that will continue to sabotage my best efforts at achieving a healthy mind set about food, about movement and exercising. I have not yet figured out the way to approach this creature, how to teach it a lesson, to make it run away screaming. Hell, I can't even find the damn thing. I keep searching for the causative factor that allows it to survive and thrive the way it has for years.

I keep wanting to be better, to achieve, to win, to prove myself and others wrong about first impressions. I am competitive in nature. But I become competitive about intellectual pursuits. How do I turn this drive into something more physical? How do I learn to compete against myself in a way that will benefit my body, my health, and my overall well being?

I haven't figured it out, but I will. That is what this year is about. To find the demon, the monster, and to teach it that I am the boss.

So I leave this blog post with a poem from William Ernest Henley. If you have seen the movie Invictus then it will be familiar to you.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Week 1 Weigh In

I was down 4.4 pounds this week. Almost hit the 5 pound mark. I have a major goal this week and that is to get a full 64 oz of water every single day. I know that I am supposed to drink about 130 oz a day but honestly, water is not my thing LOL. My friend Shannon said she has been able to get more water in by putting lime juice in hers. So, I went out and bought limes and lemons and it has been much more tolerable. I have already had 16 oz today and it didn't gross me out to drink it that way. I generally just drink tea or green tea all the time.

I had weighed on friday i think, and was at the same weight loss on friday as I was today. This bummed me out today when I saw the scale and hadn't lost anymore. It scared me as well. I wondered if over the last 3 days maybe I had done something wrong that I wasnt aware of. So, I figured, in order to keep the loss going I had better up my water intake.

Anyway, I will probably blog again later, but I need to get up and get moving around. Having a very hard time waking up this morning.

Almost the end of week 1.

So far so good on week one. Two more days left till weigh in. I have done amazing well thus far in sticking to my plan and being very careful about what I eat. There have been a few challenges, and the hardest one will be tonight.

I promised the family that I would make lasagna for dinner. This is one of my favorite foods. And my cravings for some things have been tough. The kids have eaten things like fries, pizza and ramen this week. There were so many times when I thought just one bite wouldn't hurt anything, but truth be told, if I get even one taste, my day is gone. So I have made sure to keep those things completely away from me. When the urge strikes I check out my YouTube friends for inspiration.

I have never made it an entire week without cheating even one time. I am so happy with myself for this accomplishment!! It is also "that time of the month" so my hormones and cravings are out of control. But I have pushed through this pretty well considering.

Ive been staying up way too late at night, and am feeling rather sluggish today, which in time past, i would try to up the energy with sugary, creamy coffee goodness and Pepsi, along with stuffing my face all day..

I have found myself in the kitchen more today then all week, constantly looking for a quick snack for that emotional pick me up. But I REFUSE to screw up my hard work and amazing efforts of this week.

I hope that it quits raining so I can go on my walk at five, when my fiance gets up. He works third shift so the kids and I have to keep it quiet, and with all of us in the house all day long, we are about to all go stir crazy. The baby wouldn't take a nap so I figure the screaming fits will start soon.

Overall I can not complain about my week or my day, just finding it harder to be good today then it has been.

Well, before the kids destroy something, I will take myself away from the computer.

My Introduction to the Blogging community

I have recently become very interested in connecting with people across the internet just to chit chat over anything. I have a dual personality these days, very shy and researved in person, but ready to socialize with anyone from my home over the computer, phone, or whatever.

I have watched things on the news about how some children and teens are becoming socially inadequate due to texting and internet related forms of communication. Well news broadcasters, its not just the young generation anymore LOL.

I am here not only to randomly write about the goings on in my life, but I have a couple of specific goals I am hoping to accomplish. First of all, if anyone has an interest in bold, colorful makeup looks that can be done without the use of high priced cosmetics, then I am the lady for you! I have just started a YouTube channel called ILikeCheap. and, i do, i really do, like cheap. CHEAP IS GOOD!

I am also on a quest to find the body that is several inches below the one i have now.. I am terribly overweight, and not only is it effecting my physical health, but also my mental and emotional health. I think this may be one of the reasons I have become a recluse, only really talking to the people I cannot see.

I am going to be posting this process or "journey" if you will on youtube, and I am hoping to get followers. The more people that are watching, the more motivation will build up for me to keep up the good work.

well, i need to check the color of my hair, since it is covered in bleach LOL